I am very happy that you have such a great art history class and that you love it. It feels so good to love a subject and enjoy the class, doesn't it?

I need to focus on chemistry. I keep drifting in and out of focus. Today I did nothing whatsoever related to chemistry. Tonight I will play catch up. I am nervous that I won't graduate in December. If I don't graduate in December I will be in so much trouble by the department and by my dad. I HATE BEING STRESSED OUT AND PUT ON A TIMELINE TO FINISH. WHY CAN'T WE DO THINGS AT OUR OWN DAMN PACE? I AM SO EFFING STRESSED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN.

Anyway my workout routine is going well. I ran two miles today. Running is very very tough. But afterwards I always feel so much better and so much healthier. I do at least 50 push ups a day bc I want toned arms. But I don't do them on the ground. Basically I lean against my dresser and do them like that. My arms are very sore afterwards so I know it's working.

I am leaving for Houston on Thursday, October 19th. I am not sure what time I am leaving, though. If we leave in the morning then I will be able to go to the Chili Cook Off. If we leave in the afternoon then by the time we get there it will be very late and we will all just go to sleep at Eric's house. Anyway Friday I will be completely booked from 10am to 8pm due to the conference. Saturday and Sunday will be freee. I am so happy that I am finally going to get to go to Houston and see Panda Bayer. It is a dream come true. I never imagined that I would have a chance to go. My dad refuses to let me leave town for any reason other than school, so this is the perfect opportunity ever! I feel like even though me and Panda Bayer are living so far away, we are able to see each other pretty regularly. It is way cool. God is good. Life is fun and interesting.

I feel good. The good thing about life is that there is always a fresh start available to you at any moment. No matter what you did in the past you can start fresh at any second and view life with new eyes and change your attitude about life and how to live life and how to be happy.

Today I woke up and already I messed up by eating two pieces of saltwater taffy. But then several hours later I decided to start all over and begin a fresh new life of eating healthy and being happy with myself and working out hardcore. For lunch I had a small delicious salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots, sliced hard boiled egg, NO dressing, strawberries, mandarin oranges, a nice scoop of cottage cheese, a tiny bit of shredded cheese. It was very healthy and very delicious! It actually tasted better than the fattening sourdough Jack and curly fries with buttermilk sauce that I had yesterday, and afterwards I felt beaming unlike the greasy fatty heavy feeling that I had yesterday.

Here's to a fresh start!

I am in so much pain right now. My dad is usually mad at me. He is mad at me about 25 out of 30 days of the month. This time he is mad at me because I keep coming home from school extremely late. Today I got home kind of early and so I went into the house and the door to his bedroom was shut (which is what he does when he is mad at me - he ignores me whenever he is mad at me). I opened it and he was sleeping so I left the door open a crack because I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway I went upstairs and a few minutes later I guess he woke up and he saw that I had come home and that his door was slightly open, and he slammed it shut and locked it (I could hear the twisting of the lock). Whenever he is not mad at me, he never shuts his door. But he is mad at me most of the time. So he ignores me and he refuses to say a single word to me until he isn't mad anymore. Sometimes this can last for two days or sometimes it will last about two months. The worst was six months. We live in the same house but he does not speak to me at all and refuses to be in the same room as me, so if he sees me in the kitchen he will go immediately to his room and slam the door shut and not come out until I leave. It is the most painful thing - to be ignored by someone who is supposed to love you.

Here is what I will do with my life:

I will be a person who spends all of her time studying and when I am too worn out or brain dead from too much studying, I will work out or do things to make myself look better even though that is very vain. For working out, I will run constantly and lift light weights to become super toned. As for making myself look better, I will spend time at the malls looking for extremely cute pieces. I will browse many stores and look at everything and analyze everything very carefully to make sure that I only buy the cutest fashions that look great on me. This includes clothes, shoes, and accessories. Even though I am broke, I will just use my debit card which has a credit card attached, and at the beginning of next semester I will take out a large educational loan to pay it off and then I will pay the loan off when I get out of school. This may sound very irresponsible and unfeasible, but life is short and I will only be young and cute for a short time so I want to make sure that I look good. Once I get my master's degree, I will start working part time at Sonic next to my house on the weekends. This should help me out a little. Okay maybe I won't spend money. I am feeling guilty as I write this. I guess I will just ask my dad if he will please buy me these cute clothes. I just feel so guilty asking him for anything nowadays because I am late in getting my masters and he is using it to make me feel guilty whenever I do anything outside of studying. Oh well. If he ever tells me to my face that I should already have my masters I will say to him "LOOK AT MY BROTHER. LOOK AT HIM! IF YOU KEEP SAYING THAT I AM GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL. I SWEAR I AM GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL. I AM ONLY A SEMESTER LATE AND THE PROGRAM IS VERY HARD, IT IS NOT LIKE I CAN TAKE CLASSES AND PASS OR FAIL. EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON MY EXPERIMENTS AND I HAVE A STUPID PROJECT THAT INVOLVES VERY DIFFICULT THINGS." Anyway so yes, I will shop very carefully for extremely cute pieces of clothing and I will ask my dad to buy them for me. Anyway, I will never chase after a boy again. I will remain on AIM but I will not be the one IMing people. They will IM me first. I will never do the chasing. I will be the chased. So there. That is my life. I will not diet. I will eat anything. It will be okay because during my free time I will work out a lot. So, in summary, I will be a bookworm who is always studying inorganic chemistry, organic chemistry, biophysical chemistry, biochemistry, the Bible, and scientific research papers and working on my master's project, and in my spare time I will work out and I will shop for the most adorable and amazing clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup, and I will never IM a boy again. I will let him do the initiating. That is going to be my life.

I have decided that I'm going to remain fat until I meet the right guy, who will accept me for my fatness and just love me for who I am, not how I look. Once we are together, then I will work out like a maniac and become super thin and athletic and gorgeous. Hopefully this won't cause him to feel intimidated and leave, because I have heard of this happening before with men who were with fat women who later became thin (saw it on oprah i believe). But if it does, that will be fine because by then I will be thin and then my options will be greater than before. So that is my plan.

Panda i hope you continue to get help from the counselor. depression is such a horrible thing.

anyways i don't know if i am just using the above as an excuse to stay fat and continue eating good food. maybe i will just wake up one day and decide to be athletic again like i was when i was in high school. today i woke up and as i was walking through the crisp breezy air with a hint of winter in it, the memories of the good ol' days came flooding back of when i used to be a runner and would run in the cool autumn air for miles at a time. i breathed in deeply and felt really excited as i recalled those good ol' days.

i love good memories so much

i am becoming a real expert at HPLC. i have done so many injections this week.

Today I had an unbelievable amount of saltwater taffy from disneyworld. I also had a sourdough jack and curly fries with buttermilk ranch sauce.

OH WELL

Today I ate two southwest chicken pitas (230 calories each) for a total of 460 calories plus 10 calories worth of salsa for a grand total of 470 calories.

I also drank very dilute 100% White Grape Peach juice (probably 200 calories total).

Thus I have eaten a total of 670 calories today.

Edit: Then I got home and I had a small roll (60 calories), a small piece of steak (100 calories), a small side of mashed potatoes (80 calories), a Zinger (160 calories), a biscuit with butter (200 calories), a bowl of cereal with skim milk (180 calories)

Thus today I ate a total of 1450 calories. Although the food was good I now want to die. I failed miserably today in my liquid fast.

I am on a quest to lose 10 lbs. in 20 days. Tomorrow is September 25th, 2006. By October 15, 2006 I will be 10 lbs. lighter.

September 25th, 2006 weight: 160 lbs.

September 24th, 2006

Today I ran 2 miles in 20 minutes at a pace of 6 MPH on the Nordic Track Treadmill.
I did 100 stomach crunches using the Weider AbShaper.
I did 100 push-ups.

I ate a roll with sausage stuffed inside for breakfast.
I ate a 99 cent chicken sandwich from Jack in the Box.
I ate a plate of rice and steak with some cabbage.
I ate three corn tortillas filled with steak and hot sauce.