I feel like a failure. I cannot stay away from food. During the day, I do just fine, but then at night I break down and pig out like a maniac. Why is it so easy for me to control myself during the day but so hard when I am home? Probably because during the day I am really busy and stuff and I have no time to really even think about eating. But at night I am just sitting here alone in my room and there is food downstairs and I feel lonely and bored and so I like to munch on food.

I will try again once more tomorrow. I have ruined my one month plan. Today was October 17, 2006 and the wedding is on November 17....hmmmmm maybe I will just not eat anything tomorrow to make up for it! Let's see if I can do that. In fact, I will just drink one slim fast and eat a banana for nutrients, and that is all I will have for the entire day. That will make up for the greasy chicken and potatoes and apple pie and chips and salsa that I had today. OKay I am back on the plan. Thank goodness for second chances

I hate school. It is stupid and boring. I hate doing experiments that were not designed by me. I hate working on a project that was not designed out of my own imagination and desire to truly learn about the molecules around me. I am just doing some experiments that I was told to do. I hate my project and I hate L36 with a passion. I sometimes wish I were dead.

Tonight I went to Heidi's third bridal shower. I actually enjoyed it very much. Her future mother-in-law was surprisingly pleasant and sweet to me, which made me feel very happy. The food was delicious but I only ate one small plate and the cake was gorgeous but I also only ate a small piece and felt very proud of myself. But then on the way out the door Heidi's future mother-in-law handed me a huge piece of cake to take home and I took it and I put it in my car on the passenger seat and started picking at it and then when I got home I had one enchilada and beans and a few potatoes and then some Munchos.

My life is lame.

I'm not eating much nowadays during school. And it's not cuz I am on a diet...I have realized that it is very difficult for me to have will power when it comes to food...the reason why I don't eat nowadays during school is because I have decided not to spend any more money that I don't have. And so now I am starving to death during school. I bring a few things from the fridge at home, but I am at school for about 12 hours a day and usually I eat everything that I bring from home by 5pm at latest. This will probably cause me to lose weight...but then again when I get home late at night I usually pig out due to starvation during the day.

I was going to run two miles last night but after the fight with my dad I could not bring myself up to run. I felt very mentally anguished and I still feel slightly mentally anguished right now.

I am thinking about all of the other kids around me who are able to keep their own money and are able to go out and do what they want to do with their lives. Their parents don't sit around and yell at them as if they were 10 year olds.

I am drinking a Pumpkin Pie Shake from Jack in the Box. It had whipped cream and a cherry on top. A little strange to have a cherry on top of a pumpkin pie shake but it was nice to eat. This morning I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. As you can see I love pumpkin flavored things. As I was drinking my shake I was wondering to myself whether or not Bath and Body Works has a pumpkin scented lotion this year. If they do I will have no choice but to buy it.

I have recently discovered the greatness of cottage cheese. Some may think it is gross but I love it. I discovered it when I saw Ginny eating a green salad with a side of cottage cheese mixed with strawberries. It looked really good so I went to the Comet Cafe myself and got the same thing. Although the taste isn't remarkable, I really like the consistency of it. I went home and read about it and realized that this stuff has fewer calories than most foods but is loaded with protein. I went to the grocery store and bought a tub of it and a container of strawberries and have eaten almost all of it already. yummmmmmmmmmmy

I am very happy that you have such a great art history class and that you love it. It feels so good to love a subject and enjoy the class, doesn't it?

I need to focus on chemistry. I keep drifting in and out of focus. Today I did nothing whatsoever related to chemistry. Tonight I will play catch up. I am nervous that I won't graduate in December. If I don't graduate in December I will be in so much trouble by the department and by my dad. I HATE BEING STRESSED OUT AND PUT ON A TIMELINE TO FINISH. WHY CAN'T WE DO THINGS AT OUR OWN DAMN PACE? I AM SO EFFING STRESSED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN.

Anyway my workout routine is going well. I ran two miles today. Running is very very tough. But afterwards I always feel so much better and so much healthier. I do at least 50 push ups a day bc I want toned arms. But I don't do them on the ground. Basically I lean against my dresser and do them like that. My arms are very sore afterwards so I know it's working.

I am leaving for Houston on Thursday, October 19th. I am not sure what time I am leaving, though. If we leave in the morning then I will be able to go to the Chili Cook Off. If we leave in the afternoon then by the time we get there it will be very late and we will all just go to sleep at Eric's house. Anyway Friday I will be completely booked from 10am to 8pm due to the conference. Saturday and Sunday will be freee. I am so happy that I am finally going to get to go to Houston and see Panda Bayer. It is a dream come true. I never imagined that I would have a chance to go. My dad refuses to let me leave town for any reason other than school, so this is the perfect opportunity ever! I feel like even though me and Panda Bayer are living so far away, we are able to see each other pretty regularly. It is way cool. God is good. Life is fun and interesting.

I feel good. The good thing about life is that there is always a fresh start available to you at any moment. No matter what you did in the past you can start fresh at any second and view life with new eyes and change your attitude about life and how to live life and how to be happy.

Today I woke up and already I messed up by eating two pieces of saltwater taffy. But then several hours later I decided to start all over and begin a fresh new life of eating healthy and being happy with myself and working out hardcore. For lunch I had a small delicious salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots, sliced hard boiled egg, NO dressing, strawberries, mandarin oranges, a nice scoop of cottage cheese, a tiny bit of shredded cheese. It was very healthy and very delicious! It actually tasted better than the fattening sourdough Jack and curly fries with buttermilk sauce that I had yesterday, and afterwards I felt beaming unlike the greasy fatty heavy feeling that I had yesterday.

Here's to a fresh start!

I am in so much pain right now. My dad is usually mad at me. He is mad at me about 25 out of 30 days of the month. This time he is mad at me because I keep coming home from school extremely late. Today I got home kind of early and so I went into the house and the door to his bedroom was shut (which is what he does when he is mad at me - he ignores me whenever he is mad at me). I opened it and he was sleeping so I left the door open a crack because I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway I went upstairs and a few minutes later I guess he woke up and he saw that I had come home and that his door was slightly open, and he slammed it shut and locked it (I could hear the twisting of the lock). Whenever he is not mad at me, he never shuts his door. But he is mad at me most of the time. So he ignores me and he refuses to say a single word to me until he isn't mad anymore. Sometimes this can last for two days or sometimes it will last about two months. The worst was six months. We live in the same house but he does not speak to me at all and refuses to be in the same room as me, so if he sees me in the kitchen he will go immediately to his room and slam the door shut and not come out until I leave. It is the most painful thing - to be ignored by someone who is supposed to love you.

Here is what I will do with my life:

I will be a person who spends all of her time studying and when I am too worn out or brain dead from too much studying, I will work out or do things to make myself look better even though that is very vain. For working out, I will run constantly and lift light weights to become super toned. As for making myself look better, I will spend time at the malls looking for extremely cute pieces. I will browse many stores and look at everything and analyze everything very carefully to make sure that I only buy the cutest fashions that look great on me. This includes clothes, shoes, and accessories. Even though I am broke, I will just use my debit card which has a credit card attached, and at the beginning of next semester I will take out a large educational loan to pay it off and then I will pay the loan off when I get out of school. This may sound very irresponsible and unfeasible, but life is short and I will only be young and cute for a short time so I want to make sure that I look good. Once I get my master's degree, I will start working part time at Sonic next to my house on the weekends. This should help me out a little. Okay maybe I won't spend money. I am feeling guilty as I write this. I guess I will just ask my dad if he will please buy me these cute clothes. I just feel so guilty asking him for anything nowadays because I am late in getting my masters and he is using it to make me feel guilty whenever I do anything outside of studying. Oh well. If he ever tells me to my face that I should already have my masters I will say to him "LOOK AT MY BROTHER. LOOK AT HIM! IF YOU KEEP SAYING THAT I AM GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL. I SWEAR I AM GOING TO QUIT SCHOOL. I AM ONLY A SEMESTER LATE AND THE PROGRAM IS VERY HARD, IT IS NOT LIKE I CAN TAKE CLASSES AND PASS OR FAIL. EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON MY EXPERIMENTS AND I HAVE A STUPID PROJECT THAT INVOLVES VERY DIFFICULT THINGS." Anyway so yes, I will shop very carefully for extremely cute pieces of clothing and I will ask my dad to buy them for me. Anyway, I will never chase after a boy again. I will remain on AIM but I will not be the one IMing people. They will IM me first. I will never do the chasing. I will be the chased. So there. That is my life. I will not diet. I will eat anything. It will be okay because during my free time I will work out a lot. So, in summary, I will be a bookworm who is always studying inorganic chemistry, organic chemistry, biophysical chemistry, biochemistry, the Bible, and scientific research papers and working on my master's project, and in my spare time I will work out and I will shop for the most adorable and amazing clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup, and I will never IM a boy again. I will let him do the initiating. That is going to be my life.

I have decided that I'm going to remain fat until I meet the right guy, who will accept me for my fatness and just love me for who I am, not how I look. Once we are together, then I will work out like a maniac and become super thin and athletic and gorgeous. Hopefully this won't cause him to feel intimidated and leave, because I have heard of this happening before with men who were with fat women who later became thin (saw it on oprah i believe). But if it does, that will be fine because by then I will be thin and then my options will be greater than before. So that is my plan.

Panda i hope you continue to get help from the counselor. depression is such a horrible thing.

anyways i don't know if i am just using the above as an excuse to stay fat and continue eating good food. maybe i will just wake up one day and decide to be athletic again like i was when i was in high school. today i woke up and as i was walking through the crisp breezy air with a hint of winter in it, the memories of the good ol' days came flooding back of when i used to be a runner and would run in the cool autumn air for miles at a time. i breathed in deeply and felt really excited as i recalled those good ol' days.

i love good memories so much

i am becoming a real expert at HPLC. i have done so many injections this week.

Today I had an unbelievable amount of saltwater taffy from disneyworld. I also had a sourdough jack and curly fries with buttermilk ranch sauce.

OH WELL