I feel like a failure. I cannot stay away from food. During the day, I do just fine, but then at night I break down and pig out like a maniac. Why is it so easy for me to control myself during the day but so hard when I am home? Probably because during the day I am really busy and stuff and I have no time to really even think about eating. But at night I am just sitting here alone in my room and there is food downstairs and I feel lonely and bored and so I like to munch on food.

I will try again once more tomorrow. I have ruined my one month plan. Today was October 17, 2006 and the wedding is on November 17....hmmmmm maybe I will just not eat anything tomorrow to make up for it! Let's see if I can do that. In fact, I will just drink one slim fast and eat a banana for nutrients, and that is all I will have for the entire day. That will make up for the greasy chicken and potatoes and apple pie and chips and salsa that I had today. OKay I am back on the plan. Thank goodness for second chances

I hate school. It is stupid and boring. I hate doing experiments that were not designed by me. I hate working on a project that was not designed out of my own imagination and desire to truly learn about the molecules around me. I am just doing some experiments that I was told to do. I hate my project and I hate L36 with a passion. I sometimes wish I were dead.

Tonight I went to Heidi's third bridal shower. I actually enjoyed it very much. Her future mother-in-law was surprisingly pleasant and sweet to me, which made me feel very happy. The food was delicious but I only ate one small plate and the cake was gorgeous but I also only ate a small piece and felt very proud of myself. But then on the way out the door Heidi's future mother-in-law handed me a huge piece of cake to take home and I took it and I put it in my car on the passenger seat and started picking at it and then when I got home I had one enchilada and beans and a few potatoes and then some Munchos.

My life is lame.

I'm not eating much nowadays during school. And it's not cuz I am on a diet...I have realized that it is very difficult for me to have will power when it comes to food...the reason why I don't eat nowadays during school is because I have decided not to spend any more money that I don't have. And so now I am starving to death during school. I bring a few things from the fridge at home, but I am at school for about 12 hours a day and usually I eat everything that I bring from home by 5pm at latest. This will probably cause me to lose weight...but then again when I get home late at night I usually pig out due to starvation during the day.

I was going to run two miles last night but after the fight with my dad I could not bring myself up to run. I felt very mentally anguished and I still feel slightly mentally anguished right now.

I am thinking about all of the other kids around me who are able to keep their own money and are able to go out and do what they want to do with their lives. Their parents don't sit around and yell at them as if they were 10 year olds.

I am drinking a Pumpkin Pie Shake from Jack in the Box. It had whipped cream and a cherry on top. A little strange to have a cherry on top of a pumpkin pie shake but it was nice to eat. This morning I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. As you can see I love pumpkin flavored things. As I was drinking my shake I was wondering to myself whether or not Bath and Body Works has a pumpkin scented lotion this year. If they do I will have no choice but to buy it.

I have recently discovered the greatness of cottage cheese. Some may think it is gross but I love it. I discovered it when I saw Ginny eating a green salad with a side of cottage cheese mixed with strawberries. It looked really good so I went to the Comet Cafe myself and got the same thing. Although the taste isn't remarkable, I really like the consistency of it. I went home and read about it and realized that this stuff has fewer calories than most foods but is loaded with protein. I went to the grocery store and bought a tub of it and a container of strawberries and have eaten almost all of it already. yummmmmmmmmmmy